Weekend Listening - Ranking Apache

There's this song right, it's called Apache. It's been around for decades, since like 1960, writen by this guy called Jerry Lordan, I don't know much about the man, except that he went and done the greatest song in the history of music.

Va Pensiero is probably the second best song, International Players Anthem is probably third, not sure, I'll have to think about it.

Since it's first recording by The Shadows, it's been covered, reimagined and remixed by all manner of musicians in various genre's. Today we're going to count down the top 5 renditions of Apache.

Let's get wet.


5. Sir Mix-a-lot

I think we all need to check his credentials, I'm not convinced he's an actual knight.

He's most famous for rapping about butts, which is cool, I like butts. I like Apache more than butts. Ha ha ha, no I'm just playing, butts are the best!

Sir Mix spends this track shouting out cities, like Dallas, Atlanta, San Antonio, and of course Little Rock, the Mecca of rap, and maybe the Cadillac of cities.

Choosing between Sir Mix-A-Lot and Sugar Hill gang was tough, Mix won ultimately bacause YouTube had a better video for him.


4. The Shadows

The OG Apache, so it get's points there, but it lacks soul. I don't know, call me crazy, but Cliff Richard's backing band probably aren't the most soulful dudes on the planet.

Each man more pale than the last. These guys could visually be best described as: mayonnaise the band. They have a ginger, which automatically disqualifies them from having soul.


3. The Ventures

These rowdy boys go hog wild. 

The 2 and 3 spots were tough, they're both so so good. Honestly this could have gone second, I love all the flair that fake Charles Bronson brings on lead guitar. I hate to dump on The Shadows even more, but you can't compare the two acts, just look at the swagger these boys play with. I'm 90% sure the bass player is a time travelling Bill Clinton clone sent to the past to bang women with feathered hair, and I'm 100% sure the drummer is The Alchemist from the Venture Brothers.


2. Incredible Bongo Band

Near perfection.

This makes me wish I owned platform shoes and flares. Could easily be the theme music to some kinda of cop show where the cop is partnered with like a pimp or something. Sorta like Blue Collar, but with a pimp. We could call it Fur Collar, I dunno, I'm still workshopping this pitch.


1. Tommy Seebach

Was there ever any doubt?

I don't even know where to start, this version and the accompanying video are unimpeachable in the pantheon of entertainment. This is simultaneously my Super Bowl and Christmas. My  biggest regret is that I wasn't around in the 70's where you could look like Tommy Seebach and still be successful. There is no doubt in my mind he slept with all three of the dancers in this video. I crunched the numbers and he is like 69% less attractive than me, the dancers are a combined 420% better looking than me, so mathematically and scientifically we can only conclude that I would have thrived.

Tommy clearly had a type, and I think it's safe to say, it's pretty obvious he was not a boob guy. I respect the hell out of that. Rest in power, Tommy Seebach.