Oops, it’s already pretty late in the week, but I had a pretty busy week OK? I’m sorry. Geez, get off my jock already.
When is the last time someone told you to get off their jock? I’m turning into a 40 year old man right before my eyes. Speaking of, I had like a three minute conversation with a middle aged gentleman today about chocolate milk. We are both very much pro-chocolate milk. He was a very nice man, I hope he’s doing well, and I hope his kids save him a glass of that good brown stuff.
This is like those terrible preambles on recipe blogs where the author tells you about how they were inspired by something their kid did for like 500 words and you’re like scrolling and scrolling on your phone because you just want to make peanut butter cookies and you want to hurry because it’s already 10 pm and you need to go to bed soon because you got an early day tomorrow.
Gonna be a short one because it’s already ten pm on a Friday night and I’m trying to write this from a hospital. Let’s get rankin’
Ghost
He was only on screen for like 2 seconds, but GHOST LIVES, and you can’t take that away from me.
Jorah Mormont
I guess he got a sick new sword this week. Sam, recognizing he probably has no business holding a sword (no shade, I probably wouldn’t do well with one either), gave his family’s prized Valyrian steel sword, Heartsbane, to Jorah as a sort of thank you to his dead pa.
Sam’s dad was a major dick, Jorah’s dad was pretty decent tho, RIP to the Lord Commander. Anyways, Jorah is still kind of a wiener, like mate, get over her. If he survives I hope he goes to like Dorne and meets some fly girls there, maybe meets someone who isn’t banging her nephew and falls in love. I dunno. It would be nice.
Hormones, the horny kind
Maybe the big winner any other week. Teenaged hormones finally got to our old pal and probably 13 year old Arya Stark. She just didn’t want to die a virgin, and I’m feeling very attacked right now. So rude.
Young girls aren’t the only ones overcome by the desires of the flesh. Dirty boy Tormund, Mr. GIantsbane if you’re nasty, immediately went looking for service almost as soon as he walked through the gates of Winterfell. Talkin’ ‘bout that peepee service, if you know what I’m saying.
Of course, it doesn’t seem to have worked out for him, but he did get to tell a dope story about suckling upon a giant’s teat, which I guess was cool. So thanks.
Tormund Giantsbane
Yeah, screw it, he rules, he deserves to be on this list, not only for his horny antics, and giant milk stories, but for also being just really supportive of Brienne of Tarth, or as she is now known, Ser Brienne of Tarth, more on that later.
He immediately stood up and applauded her, even though he doesn’t seem to care about things like titles or rank. He knew it was important to her, and he treated it like a big deal. I appreciate that he appreciated that. Plus he also just carries around a huge horn full of booze, which is kinda cool. Here I am with a mere flagon, when I should be drinking out of a dragon.
Loved the rhyme, didn’t love the message. Please don’t drink out of a dragon unless it is food safe dragon.
Brienne of Tarth
She’s had a rough road to where we are now. It is difficult enough being a woman in Westeros, it must be even harder to be a one like Brienne. A giant of a woman, that towers over most men, and doesn’t fit with the traditional Westerosi idea of what a woman is.
But finally she is in a position where she matters, where her opinion matters. Her word is all that kept Jamie Lannister from the executioner’s chair, she is in charge on a large portion of the defences, and now she finally has a title befitting her. Maybe a title doesn’t mean much in a broader sense at the end of the world. But maybe it’s enough for her, maybe it motivates her to live beyond the coming battle.
Is she going to bang Jamie or what? Like, I dunno that they both live through next week, I’m not convince either will live.
Losers of the week
Those racist kids in the streets that gave Grey Worm and Missandei the stink eye
Damn, we need to be better, as a society
Virginity
She really knows how to get a guy going.
It never stood a chance