2019 has been a disaster for your boy on basically every level.
In a failed attempt to fill the giant hole in my heart that keeps growing larger by the minute until the darkness eventually consumes me completely, I logged in to Tinder for the first time in like two years.
I’ve never been very successful on Tinder. I am not six feet tall, I don’t have a truck, or a beard, apparently the holy trinity of desirability in my immediate area.
So as the year closes, so too does my Tinder. Here are some things I learned in the last two months:
Bronwyn is an exceedingly popular name
I have never met anyone named Bronwyn. Also, every Bronwyn is really into horses.
There are (at least) two paid tiers??
Hope it costs $69 a year.
What is the difference in Tinder+ and Tinder Gold? I’ll never know because I’m never going to pay money to be rejected.
There are a ton, like probably an actual ton if you measured them all, of people looking for a third.
Boy-girl pairs, girl-girl pairs, possibly boy-boy pairs too. I can’t convince one person to want to make out, how am I supposed to get multiples? It’s a losing battle.
Porno bots are dead
Long live fake accounts directing you to sketchy websites in their photos. At least the porno bots interacted with me, and for a brief minute you’d feel wanted before realizing at the other end of your heartfelt confession of love is only a pit of lies.
Everyone still likes: Tacos, pizza, The Office
Everyone still hates: Me, originality, me
I’m a dumb animal though, so I still swiped right even though I am clearly no Pam’s Jim because I am very shallow, and let’s be honest Tinder is a visual medium.
To err is human, to Super-Like is a freaking tragedy
I accidentally did it one time because I wasn’t used to the layout of Tinder, and I felt sick about it for hours. Like, probably it kept me up at night. I can’t say for sure because every day is more or less the same in the eternal hell that is 2019
People still acting like they’re too good for Tinder
Look bud, you’re not. It’s ok we live in the future now, it’s not that weird. Look, I already feel hopeless without you saying “I don’t know why I’m on here.”
I don’t have a dog, is that why nobody wants me?
No, stupid. I’m ugly and I have a terrible personality. Would a dog help? Yeah, maybe. But brother, it ain’t the main problem.
Hank Butts is the Senior Love Editor for OMID