Justin Trudeau has set a date for the 2019 federal election this week. October 21 is the day I will either have to stop thinking about Andrew Scheer, or the day I’ll have to turn my back on chocolate milk. I really don’t want to have to turn my back on chocolate milk you guys.
As we all know Trudeau —or simply “Justin” as the conservative party would have liked for us to refer to him as in an attempt to make him look small— won the 2015 election on the back of his great hair, and promise to send… weed to Syria, or something.
If you are a normal person who doesn’t want to sit through a minute of terrible acting, the above ad features a diverse crew of honest hard workin’ Canadians evaluating Justin Trudeau’s credentials, in the end they have weighed Justin and found him wanting in all but one category: his hair.
The following is not an endorsement of Trudeau, nor a condemnation. No, this is something far more important. I will evaluate the main candidates in the upcoming election based on the most important criteria— which is of course their hair.
Now, in no particular order, the candidates:
Justin Trudeau - Liberal Party
Look, his hair was never really that great when he was running for prime minister. I guess it was great by the low standards of Canadian politics. Like, we just let Stephen Harper walk around with that Lego looking haircut for a decade and nobody ever said anything about it. We also let Harper play in a cover band while he was in charge so I dunno, maybe Canada is kinda wild.
He has gotten a haircut since that attack ad came out, I don’t know if it was a direct response to it. I want to believe that it was 100% because of it.
It is honestly a pretty good haircut. His hair looks shiny and healthy, with plenty of volume and texture, and just enough length. You can see why both Ivanka and Melania Trump are often caught gazing longingly at Justin.
Trudeau is far from a perfect person, Hasan Minhaj does a good job of breaking this down on a recent episode of Patriot Act , which is a good show with a bad title that makes it sounds like a right-wing conspiracy podcast. But I don’t care about that, I only care about hair.
Just having a normal one.
Andrew Scheer - Conservative Party
Andrew Scheer is just about the most generic man I have seen since Jason Kenney. In fact I am not convinced it isn’t Jason Kenney. His hair can be best described as “caucasian cropped“ if one was trying to recreate him in a videogame. It is of a sort of mousy-brown colour with very little in the way of shine or texture. It is the haircut of a man who thinks pomade will make you gay.
His hair, unlike his politics aren’t explicitly offensive. It is a normal haircut for a guy who walks into a barber and asks for a “normal haircut.”
Jagmeet Singh - NDP
It’s a bit difficult to talk about Mr. Singh’s hair since it is most often covered. As a Sikh man, Singh wears a turban, however he likes to really jazz things up and can be seen in turbans of all colours, why just searching for reference photo’s you can see him in pink, blue, and yellow. I can’t see Andrew Scheer wearing yellow anything.
If we want to look at actual hair though, we can talk about his beard. Black with a smattering of white hairs concentrated in the centre, primarily in the space under his mouth. Should he win (seems unlikely at this point, according to early polls the NDP are a distant third) Singh would be the first prime minister with a beard since like, the 1800s. I wasn’t even alive then!
Singh did recently do ads in Quebec where he isn’t wearing a turban, letting his long locks flow. I’ll be honest, he’s giving some real Momoa vibes. Like, guys it’s not even fair to Scheer, he looks like lunch meat next to this guy. Singh knows freaking Brazilian jiu-jitsu! I don’t know if that is going to help in parliament, but honestly it couldn’t hurt.
Maxime Bernier - People’s Party (lol)
You can tell by looking at him that Maxime Bernier has put some thought into his hair.
Ol’ Max also lost the Conservative party leadership to Andrew Scheer, a man with about as much charisma as a dried corn husk. This fact has me concerned that maybe hair isn’t the most important thing when evaluating a candidate, which is the credo I have lived my life by so I am shocked and indeed my whole belief system is crumbling down around me.
Anyways, Max is doomed, his party is trailing even the Bloc Quebecois who are pretty insignificant tbh. Why am I even including Bernier in this list? I guess we gotta pad it out with something, right?
Sorry Max, your hair is ok, your politics, and chances of being PM less so.
Elizabeth May - Green Party
Honestly, I am uncomfortable judging a woman based on her looks in this situation, so maybe it’s best I don’t. Thank you for understanding.
Green Party probably not gonna win anyways, but they are a major party and candidate so I’ll at least give them a shout out here. Not that it would mean anything to them.
Joe Menjivar is the News and Politics editor at OMID, at this time he does not endorse any candidate, but can be bought if any of you are reading this.
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