The fairytale is over ladies and gentlemen, two of our greatest white people have called an end to their relationship. America's sweetheart Taylor Swift and overpaid generic human being Calvin Harris (I'm not mad at you Calvin, keep getting them cheques!) announced their conscious uncoupling recently. You may know I am way too invested in Taylor Swift's love life, it's probably fair to say I'm something of an expert. Or at least as much as one can be an expert on a person they've never met's love lide. As an expert I was never truly into her and Calvin, probably because I don't think very highly of him. Our girl deserves better.
I asked some people their thoughts about who Taylor should date next
This was NOT helpful, Dominique. I took manners into my own hands, and I put together a list of young men she should consider writing a song about in two years.
Taylor Kitsch
Maybe because I'm currently watching Friday Night LIghts, I dunno. I'm a big Kitsch head, and I think he should be a bigger star, especially after FNL, but I guess nobody else thinks that because nobody but me went to see John Carter, and nobody, not even me, went to see Battleship.
He's been slowly rebuilding his career as a second option in Lone Survivor and the second season of True Detective, I hope he can build on this foundation and stay in our collective hearts for the long haul, even if he isn't going to be headlining any tentpoles.
Cons
- Questionable decision making
- Might invite Nic Pizzolato to the wedding
Pros
-Canadian, and you know that Canadians are the best people.
- Tremendous physique, former athlete
-He isn't too famous, wont overshadow Swift
- Shares a first name, that's adorable
Fab Moretti
The last unmarried member of The Strokes should give Taylor Swift some crossover exposure with a new audience. Has a solid pedigree of exes, nothing compared to Taylor, of course, she's a hall of famer, but Fab has been romantically linked in the past to Kristen Wiig, Drew Barrymore and Kirsten Dunst, and probably like a ton of models, because being in The Strokes is just about the closest thing in the world to a licence to print female genitals.
Cons
- Only a drummer
- Hard fanbase to please
He's Mister Worldwide, what more could a girl want? He looks like a total greaseball, but women seem to love him, which is a mystery to me, but I guess it should give me hope.
Love his joie de vivre, he seems like a great hang. Could Taylor tame the beast? Not likely, but she might get a real interesting album out of it
Cons
- He looks like Pitbull, sorry Pitbull.
Pros
- He wears some pretty great suits, his casual clothes leave something to be desired, but his suit game is impeccable
- He wrote Hotel Room Service
Oscar Isaac
I'm really glad I bought all that Oscar Isaac stock a couple of years ago, a really strong 2015 that included Ex Machina, one of the best science fiction films of the decade, and of course he was in the new Star Wars, which is like the most popular thing in the world. He's currently the internet's obsession, and also a pretty solid singer and musician, so he and Taylor will have plenty to talk about, I guess. Do you think Taylor Swift even watched Star Wars? I know its the most popular thing in the world, but you have to wonder what people who are as famous as Taylor Swift or like Beyonce even watch. Do they have TV's? Do they go to movies? I dunno, I'm just me, a real poor person.
Cons
- Too good for Taylor
Pros
- Possibly the most handsome boy
- Terrific actor
- Highly sought after dinner guest
- Getting that Star Wars money, he's set for life!
Sidney Crosby
Taylor hasn't really been linked to any athletes in the past, as far as our crack research staff knows. I didn't want to start her off with anyone too cool, like Paul George, or hell, even Gordon Hayward is probably too edgy for her. Let her dip her toe into the athlete pool with a hockey player, and you might as well go with the guy widely considered to be the greatest player of his generation.
Cons
- Yeah, he's Canadian, but he's from Nova Scotia
- He's a hockey player
- He looks about 14
Pros
- Canadian, as you know, Canada is the best country.
- Top of his profession
- Financially independent
- Probably has some muscles.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic
Basically the opposite of Sidney Crosby in terms of personality, has a more worldwide appeal.
Cons
- Almost definitely refers to himself in the third person at all times
- bad facial hair choices
Pros
-Zlatan
President Obama
I probably don't have to explain who he is. He's the President of the United states. He's going to have a lot of free time after this year, so maybe it's the perfect opportunity to get with Taylor Swift.
Cons
- Married
- Soon to be unemployed
- Might be too old
- Still waiting to see that birth certificate, Barack HUSSEIN Obama.
One of the finest swordsmen in the land, and I don't just mean he's good with a blade, ladies.
He's a handy guy to have if there's a noonwraith problem in your hamlet, or a griffin in your cornfield. Dealing with spiders and mice should be no problem.
Cons
- Might not be over his ex, Yennefer of Varenberg
- Lots of his exes are witches, like actual ones, this isn't a mean spirited comment on them.
- Very poor at expressing emotion
- Poor dresser, ladies, don't ever date a man who wears chainmail. For real.
Pros
- Encyclopedic knowledge of potions, herbs and oils. OILS, ladies. OILS.
- Has a horse, girls love horses,
- Mega ripped
Me
Technically you could do worse.
Cons
- Can't think of any
Pros
- Ummmm, I have a job
- I own a PlayStation
- a solid 6/10
- Not handsome enough to distract from her on the red carpet, or ever cheat on her.
- A tremendous lover.