I know at least two people who are super thrilled that my semi-unpopular 'Thrones rankings are back. Shout out to you two, you know who you are. It feels so good to be back in Westeros with all my friends, the only people who will love me.
It wasn't the most action packed episode, and I'm OK with that, there's plenty of time for people to get straight murdered, and for dragons to dragon all over stuff. For now, it's just nice to be back in this world.
Let's go rank some stuff, please.
1. Melissandre's Baller Dracula Medalion/Choker
If I knew jewellery could make me that attractive I would have started wearing it years ago. It's been a rough rough rough rough month for my ego, got dumped twice by the same girl, and then this past weekend I was told I have a fat face. I just can't catch a break. If I had this sick choker I probably could have avoided at least one of these situations Ha ha ha, no I'm just kidding, nothing is going to make me more attractive to the opposite sex at this point. I'm basically a husk.
2. Davos Seaworth
What are those???
Decent men don't live long in Westeros, it's been beat into us since the death of Ned Stark. It's usually the smarter, more clever, or more ruthless man that get to keep their heads. This change is also reflected in the ways wars are fought in Westeros/Essos where it's no longer necessarily the larger army that wins, look at the example of Stannis Baratheon, who had the sickest army money could buy and was still beat up by Ramsey Bolton and like 12 dudes with steak knives, or the way the Sons of the Harpy dunked all over over The Unsullied last season. It's all about tactics, and being one sneaky mofo. Davos has stuck to his convictions in a world where most people with convictions are killed, so he's either the luckiest, or smartest man in the world. It doesn't hurt to be either.
3. Danerys Targaryn
He was the son of Khal Beardo. Ha ha ha.
Things were looking ROUGH for her this episode, she was forced to walk, like an asshole for at least... 10 miles? I have no concept of distance, I don't know how much 10 miles is. But it sounds like it would be a pain in the ass to walk that much, especially in the heat, and in shoes that no doubt have zero arch support. What are those, espadrilles? Girl, that ain't a walking shoe! Get you some New Balance, sure you won't be on any best dressed lists, but you'd be comfortable! Anyways, she avoids a real grim fate by flexing some credentials, and now she gets to retire at Cougar Town, Essos, which to be honest seems like a nicer show to be on.. I loved Cougar Town, but those people drank almost as much wine as Cersei Lannister. How was there not an intervention episode? Shout out to Cougar Town.
4. Kit Harrington
It's a living!
Yeah yeah, Jon Snow is dead. WINK. Look, he's coming back to life eventually, we know that. Until then, keep getting them cheques, Kit! I'm sure the food is OK, you get to spend some time in Dublin, or wherever, and you just have to play dead for a couple of days. Good gig if you can get it. Outside of that, I'm sure his life is pretty good. He was way better hair than me, which truth be told, not that hard. I bet he's also taller than me.
5. Getting Stabbed From Behind
It's so hot right now. Everyone is doing it.
see?
6. Ollie
The Worst.
Speaking of stabbing in the back, Ollie, that slimy sack of shit. He did his boy DIRTY. This is like the beginning to some sort of Westerosi gangster movie about a young mans meteoric rise to the top of the Night's Watch that ends in Ollie getting gunned down on a pile of cocaine or something. I know he's like 12. but eff this dude for real.
7. Ramsey Bolton's Unborn Baby Brother
Let's be real, Ramsey is probably going to die sooner than later. That leaves his yet unborn half brother to inherit The North, which ain't so shabby! It's too bad he probably wont have it for long, because if Ramsey Bolton is dead, that probably means someone with a big pointy stick is coming for Winterfell. He's a baby so he'll probably be spared, maybe even made a ward, like Theon Greyjoy, and I guess that ended pretty good for him.
8. Sansa Stark
Looks like badgirl Sansa is putting together a bit of a posse. It's a weird posse though, wouldn't have expected Pod the bod, and Theon teaming up. She finally get's to live her own life, she isn't forced into a marriage with a super shitty guy, or a Lannister. Now look, she got the nicest of the Lannisters, but even still. Maybe Hitler had a pretty OK brother, but his surname was still Hitler, you know? You want to walk around with THAT on your drivers licence? Good for you, Sansa, get yours!
9. Khal Moro
He could do my job.
For inventing the Buzzfeed Listicle.
10. Brienne of Tarth
It only took her like 6 seasons to do something right. She spent a lot of time since her introduction doing a pretty bad job of protecting the people she swore to protect. Her heart was always in the right place, but when the best case scenario for having her as a bodyguard is losing your right hand, you got to question her ability. Looks like she's turned the corner though. She's always had the skills, she was just playing in a bad system, hopefully coach Sansa can run some plays designed for her.
Not Ranked
That mean girl that keeps picking on Arya
Tristain, at least he has some painted rock eyes for when he's burried.
lol oops, really late on this one