I'm super relieved Jon Snow is alive again because I made such a big deal about him coming back to life to basically everybody who asked me about it. A lot of people ask me about Game of Thrones, which leads me to believe I look like a guy who knows about wizards and stuff and that is a really depressing thought. I'm going to die alone.
1. Jerreth Stormfeld, Westerosi Comedian
Black dragons brush their teeth like this. White dragons brush their teeth like THIS.
OH MAN.
This guy is the best new character on 'Thrones this year, actually he might be the best character on any show this year, I don't think he had a name, so I made one up for him, in case you want to insert him into your fan-fiction. He really only had one scene, but oh boy what a scene. He entertains the crowd at Ye Old Laughter Smithy with a bawdy take on Queen Cersei's public shaming. It's a damned crime he got his skull crushed like a minute later. I was really looking forward to hearing more of his clever observations on Westeros life, like this nugget: "Have you ever noticed how the faith militant are so stinky? Damn, y'all ever heard of a shower? Smells to me like they need some faith deodorant!"
It's really hard to write hacky Game of Thrones jokes, you try being me, it ain't easy, brother.
2. Davos Seaworth
I'm going to count to... 3?
My man! He has more lives than fingers, maybe the two things are related. It's got to be super weird being Liam Cunningham's kids. Like, it's got to mess with you to see your dad with less fingers on TV. Maybe it's not that weird, I don't know, my dad didn't really have an interesting job, and he has all his fingers. At least as far as I've noticed. Oh man, I need to call my dad.
Once again avoiding death, while still being the sweetest boy in The North, for this Davos gets the 2 spot
3. Tyrion Lannister
Peter Dinklage was in both the UK and Black versions of Death at a Funeral. But only on had Martin Lawrence
Glad to have him back in the power rankings. He's probably the most popular character on the show, so I always feel like its tacky to put him on these. Like, you already like this guy, you don't need me telling you what a cool dude he is.
Well, son of a bitch did it again, he went and made himself even more lovable. Told a very sweet story about dragons, while at the same time avoiding getting eaten by dragons. He might have even made some new friends. I love friendship!
4. Jon Snow
Dead
Ok, yeah, let's get to it now that we're here. He's back and that real great for everyone! He also got a sponge bath from an incredibly attractive (in certain lights, Just kidding, Carice van Houten is gorgeous always) woman, so he's already having a better week than me.
Great to have him back because I would have looked like a real asshole if he didn't
5. Ramsay Bolton
Great jawline though.
A+ week for bastards.
6. Pod, sweet Pod
His attempt at making a fire was just adorable, and sometimes that's enough . You did good Pod. Well, good enough, which sometimes, it better.
At least you didn't kill a baby.
7. Yara Greyjoy
Get your nut, Yara.
Get yours girl.
Her maybe mentally unwell uncle, Euron, rolled back into town and threw her dad off a bridge. Which is good news for her because that means there's a power vacuum in Pyke. There's going to be something called a "Kingsmoot", which as far as I can tell is just a vote. She seems pretty popular around Pyke, she might not be a shoo-in but I like her chances. Also, Yara, shout out to you, you looked great this week, the cool ocean air is really working for you, AND you didn't get finger blasted by any relatives. So, not bad.
I do think she probably smells like dead seaweed though, and that's kind of a turn-off.
8. Melisandre
Hot mess, get it? Cause of the Lord of Light, and also, she's hot.
Mel got her groove back this week, and that was nice to see. Confidence, I'm told is sexy. I wouldn't know, being neither confident or particularly sexy. Look, I'm not so bad looking, a solid 6, but I don't think a girlfriend has ever called me sexy. It's fine, I made my peace with it (I'm dead inside, it's fucking killing me). Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Melisandre, brought your boy Jon Snow back to life, and look, that ain't nothing! She's goofed up a lot in the past, but bringing people back from the dead is a pretty baller move.
9. Ser Robert Strong
Please, call me Robert, Ser Strong was my dad.
I just think he's so silly. Was Ser Punch Fistkill taken? He looks like a muscles equivalent of two kids stacked on each other wearing a trench coat. He is the most conspicuous man I have ever seen. Well, relatively small week for the big man, but he did kill a peeing guy by slamming his head real hard against a brick wall, and I can't do that. So, pretty deece.
10. Bran Stark
Too casual
YO, LITTLE MAN GREW LIKE TWO FEET AND CAN TIME WARG NOW. I need to get me into a tree school, if for no other reason than hopefully growing taller at a supernatural rate. Maybe that's just a puberty thing. I wish I was taller. Another season and he will probably be able to dunk, and that's a pretty cool feat because his legs don't work.
Losers of the week
Old white guys in power
Balon Greyjoy and Roose Bolton bot got killed by their family this week. Being a dad seems tough
Tommen Baratheon/Lannister
Mama Lannister's sweet baby boy Tommen continues to be softer than Charmin. He seems like a really nice kid, so it hurts me to call him out like this.
lol oops, really late on this one