Dragon Fire Can’t Melt Valyrian Steel Beams: The Truth About Jon Snow
Jon Snow is dead, HBO would like for you to believe that, President Barack HUSSEIN Obama would like for you to believe that, and probably Big Tobacco would like for you to believe that too. Stay woke Westeros, you aren’t getting the whole story, luckily for you, we aren’t the LAMESTREAM media, and we give it to you straight.
The last season ended with Jon Snow surrounded by his former ‘brothers’, a pretty rough and tumble millitia known as The Night’s Watch where Snow served as Lord Commander, but you know all this. You aint no dummy. They proceed to stab the hell out of him, like, SUPER stab him, and he is left to die in the snow.
HBO has been telling you since that happened that Jon Snow is definitely dead, yup, real dead. Kit Harrington, the actor that plays Jon Snow has said he’s dead, making up some kind of excuse to why he’s hanging around where they film the show. Follow the money, sheeple! It’s far too late in the game for Snow to stay dead, he’s been built up for 5 years as one of, if not the main hero of the story and we’re too far into the story for anyone new to show up and start dunking on everyone. So then, what happens next? Well, the real answer, I guess we’ll find out on Sunday when Game of Thrones returns.
Ha ha ha, that’s what the lamestream media wants you to think. I got some exclusive knowledge on the situation from a guy I met on the darkweb, who’s uncle is President Obama, keeper of the nuclear launch codes and most importantly, a CD binder with a couple of CD-R’s containing the latest season of ‘Thrones. Well, he told me he saw the first episode and described the opening scene to me in detail:
We start on Jon Snow, the camera up close to his face as he draws his final breath. The camera pulls back, we see his former comrades walking away from his body, high fiving and slapping each others bums, because that’s what cool dudes do. The camera pulls back even further, we see Castle Black. The camera goes back further still. We see all of the north, the camera moves back even further, and we see all of westeros. Then, snowflakes.
Westeros, is revealed to be contained in a snow globe, whaaaaat??? Who is holding the snowglobe? It’s Tupac Shakur! He’s working at a resort in Acapulco, slinging assorted wares including tank tops and snowglobes. Who walks in? Elvis Pressly, and who is behind him? Jon Snow.
Is this considered fantasy fantasy?
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Take a bow.
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We back at it.
Somebody get Emeril on the line, cause this is BAM city.