Shorts aren't cool.
Probably they're the least cool thing you can wear. You know what isn't cool? any person wearing shorts. I asked some real smart science men and they agree, you can't look cool wearing shorts. Lebron can't do it, what hope do you have? You're not even tall. I bet you can't even dunk.
I've never liked wearing shorts, some have speculated that it's because my calves are dainty, other scholars on the subject say it's insecurity over their lack of pigmentation. Maybe it's both, nobody actually thinks about my legs. The point is, shorts are just above snapchat on things that grown men shouldn't really be messing with.
What is a brief if not the ultimate shorts?
Get out the thighs, boys.
If you want the most uncool thing you can wear, look no further than briefs. What are briefs if not the ultimate expression of shorts? Nobody needs to see that much man thigh, most non Jon Stockton style shorts for all their faults at least cover them up.
I have made a horrible mistake
I needed to buy some underwear this week, and I accidentally bought briefs.
I went into a local H+M, where the budget conscious man who needs to cover his genitals goes for the latest in reasonably priced intimates, often they'll feature a fun pattern, like stars, or cool dogs. I proceeded to make purchase of two 3-packs, and for the rest of the day I felt pretty good. The next day came and I opened up the first pack. Beautiful, upper thigh covering underwear. And so it went the next day, another crisp set of the good stuff. On the third day I decided to mix things up a little, it's 2016 after all, so why limit myself? Why not live a little, you know? I opened the second 3-pack, and to my ultimate dismay I pulled out my worst nightmare.
A brief history
I haven't worn briefs since I was like, thirteen. When I was still banging the kids were wearing boxers. Big billowing tents that went down pretty much to your knees. Were they comfortable? I guess. I don't know why anyone would knowingly make the decision to wear them, they're kind of awful, but it was the early 00's, we didn't know what we were doing, we let Limp Bizkit win a Grammy.
As I grew up, my pants became tighter. I have great legs, this is a fact that any of my ex-girlfriends will back my up on. Even the ones that hate me. Especially the ones that hate me. So tighter pants to show off the gams were important, but suddenly there was no more room in my life, or indeed in my pants for the boxer. This could have lead to a real crises and probably a dramatic downfall where I because one of those guys who goes commando and probably owns like, a bunch of oils and a tiny kimono. Thankfully I found salvation in the loving arms of boxer-briefs. Where had they been all my life? It didn't matter because for the rest of my life they would be on me, covering my butt. They'd never hurt me, or let me down.
Now
I told my girlfriend about my problem, she didn't seem to care, and indeed looked at me like I was a fool. "Just wear them" she said, so I am. I am currently wearing briefs for the first time in my adult life. I am wearing briefs, and ladies and gentlemen let me tell you, they are brief.
I have never felt so exposed while wearing pants in my life. I feel like things are going to fall out, or like they're going to rip if I bend over. Trust me, this isn't like some kind of humblebrag about how big my package is. They are just... skimpy. Who wears these things? Why do my thighs look so ridiculous? Have they always looked like this? Maybe I overestimated how attractive my legs are. I'll probably never know the answers to all these questions. What I do know is that I can't be a briefs guy, I don't have the braggadocio to pull off this look. I'm sadly not David Beckham.
Whats next for these things? Probably I'll repurpose them as shoe cleaning rags. and I'll pretend like this whole unfortunate event never happened. I hate myself for making this mistake, and I hate whoever decided to make briefs for grown men.
The Premier League is having a style crisis. Adidas, Nike, and the rest are phoning it in.