I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes. Christmas is all around us.
So says Bill Nighy in the 2003 classic Love Actually. It's been a long standing tradition of mine to watch Love Actually around Christmas, usually as a substitute to punching myself in the dick over the crippling loneliness of the season until I fall asleep in a pile of empty Doritos bags in my underwear. This year I'll be watching it again, and once again it will be due to crippling loneliness. Ha ha, just kidding guys. I just like this movie.
Love Actually is probably a top 3 Christmas movie, up there with Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and nothing else, because there are only two good Christmas movies ever. Sorry Die Hard. Love Actually taught me that the meaning of Christmas is to bone down with someone, and you know what? That sounds pretty OK. Unfortunately I have taken a vow of celibacy so all I can do is rank the couples in this movie. That's only like one step removed from intercourse, I think.
Anyways, lets start at the bottom.
9. Juliet, Peter, and Mark
We take infidelity very seriously at the OMID offices, so this triad will simply not do. Mark is secretly in love with Juliet, which is great, yeah, sure. Oh wait, Juliet just got married to his best pal Peter. Dammit Mark, just keep it in your pants bro. It's not that hard to not kiss your buddies' wives. Ask me how many wives I've kissed. Go ahead. Zero. I have kissed zero wives. Which is I guess a testament to my self control. I guess I'm also not in love with anyone's wife. I dunno. Screw you Mark.
Y'all at the bottom because girl, you JUST got married and now you're alleycatting around with your husbands best man? Girl, you nasty.
8. Harry, Karen, and Mia
Again with the cheating? Come on guys. So disappointed in Snape here. If you're going to cheat on your wife your mistress should at least be hot. And really dawg, you're going to cheat with your secretary? So cliche. I guess we should have known about his questionable taste when he got his mistress that fairly ugly necklace. For real, that thing was pretty ugly.
Anyways, guys, don't cheat on your wives. It's pretty shitty, especially on Christmas. Shame. SHAME.
7. Sarah and Karl (featuring Michael)
This one is just real sad. You need to get laid Laura Linney, you deserve to get that good D in your life. Sorry your brother messed that up for you. That's tough. Karl was pretty shredded though, like you could sprinkle him on top of your pizza. That guy clearly works out. So, I dunno, Laura Linney, I mean she's alright, but Karl is basically an underwear model. I hope they do eventually get it in, and that Karl proposes to her and they get married and have some kids together and they go and visit Michael on the weekends.
6. Colin and the Americans
kill me now.
Colin kinda sucks, and they use the Santana/Rob Ttomas joint Smooth for one of his scenes. He's lucky he isn't lower. Do women really like accents? Last year I watched this movie with Kelly and she's now dating a guy with an accent. Probably primarily for his accent. He's better looking than Colin though, not that it's very difficult. Even I'm better looking than Colin, and I look like a week old turd on a bad stretch of road.
This whole subplot just stinks of not love.
5. Jamie and Aurelia
Those that know me best know I'm a big Colin Firth supporter. Despite having ridiculous hair, that is a man who can wear a sweater. Unfortunately this whole subplot is just irresponsible. How are you gonna marry a woman you have never spoken to? You don't speak the same language you big dummy. What's worse is that she speaks Portuguese, which is a really unappealing language. Ugh. What are you doing with your life Colin Firth? Did you not see her back tattoo? Come on man. This just stinks of bad idea.
4. Billy Mack and Joe
Nighy putting in work here, does a nice job as Billy Mack. Do you think he just took the part because his character is named Bill? Not that he's too good for this movie. I dunno. He's entertaining but his manager Joe is pretty dull.
Don't even act like you cared about Joe.
3. Prime Minister Hugh Grant and Natalie
We're in the good couples now, it's tough to distinguish them at this point, they're all so deserving. I can't imagine Hugh Grant not winning an election. He's just so charming, I don't even care what his views on abortion are. Can we talk about President Billy Bob Thronton for a second though? I can see why he was elected. Some would say Sling Blade is his best work, but for me you got to put this up there in the top two. Next to Intolerable Cruelty, which is of course BBT's actual best work. I think he's supposed to be a George W. Bush type, but he seems more malevolent than Bush ever did. I cant imagine W hitting on women. Anyways, Natalie seems like a nice girl, she gets Prime Minister Hugh Grant cookies, and that's basically the root of true love. I like cookies a lot.
I hope things work out between them, Prime Minister Hugh Grant seems like he might be a philanderer, so that's a worry for me. I've been wrong before though. Hope it works out for those two kids.
2. John and Judy
Martin Freeman was once young.
Nudity is the key to everlasting love. I think Lord Byron wrote that, you can take my word for it. John and Judy met on the set of a movie that I think wasn't a porno, but she was topless a lot anyways. One time I was scrubbing through the movie to find a scene for my sister but I kept stopping at the parts where Judy wasn't wearing a shirt. It was awkward.
They have alliterative names, so that's probably a good sign. They aren't on screen too much. Maybe that makes me like them more.
1. Sam and Joanna
As you know I'm all about interracial couples. Sam is a young boy, recently left motherless due to the cruelty of whoever wrote this screenplay. Probably Hugh Grant's butt. Anyways, he's fallen madly in love with his american classmate, Joanna. He embarks on a quest to learn to play drums to impress her. I can't play drums, I think I would impress more women if I could. Sam does some illegal shit at an airport near the end of the movie that shouldn't have been possible after 9/11. Realistically he would still be rotting in Guantanamo Bay, thankfully this is a lighthearted film where love triumphs in the end.
They probably broke up like a month later, because they're 10. But they get the top spot because I'm not heartless, and because they sang All I Want For Christmas Is You, AKA the only good Christmas song.
lol oops, really late on this one