5 Hot New Trends for Spring

Spring is officially here, time to put away all those thick scarves and heavy boots and slip into something a little more weather appropriate.

Here are five hot style tips you can try out once you finish dabbing, or whatever kids do these days, to keep you looking cool as the earth warms a worrying amount.

1. Super specific t-shirts created by a computer algorithm somewhere

Have you ever wanted to make a statement, but you have no style or taste? Let an overpriced Fruit of The Loom Beefy T-shirt do all the talking for you!

These are often seen on targeted Facebook posts or if you want to buy a terrible shirt and not have your identity stolen, you can find some of these in a mall kiosk near you.

These t-shits usually have like 30 different typefaces on them, or like sometimes they have a picture of Vegeta with a problematic phrase about hating immigrants or something.

Truck driving, no nonsense postal employees that hate Popeyes chicken but love their potentially dangerous partners will finally be able to identify themselves.

2. Your Parents

Dad bods, mom jeans, you’ve heard of these things, you may not understand them, but you know them to be hip and trendy.

Well why not just cut out the middleman all while kicking things up a notch! Drag your parents around everywhere you go, they are the ultimate accessories, all (OK, not all, but some of) the functionality of a smartphone without all the threat of going over your data, plus they might have some Werthers Originals with them, and that’s a very very good candy.

I don’t like the chewy version of Werthers as much though; I find them to be too soft, and not a satisfying chew. I dunno, maybe that’s just me.

3. Balding

Is this just here because I’m losing my hair and want everyone to think it’s a cool look? I’ll never tell!

Who is the coolest man on the planet?

Manu Ginobili, obviously. What is cooler than an Argentinian shooting guard with the most prominent bald spot in all sport? If there’s something cooler than that, I don’t know it.

Some athletes go out of their way to have distinctive hairstyles, look at fellow South American athlete Neymar, he has chosen to have incredibly stupid hair that will not only look stupid in 10 years, it looks stupid currently.

Manu should be applauded for letting wearing the sunroof with pride.

I really need this to catch on before I lose my hair so that I don’t feel so bad about my lack of hair.

4. Frosted Tips

Photo Credit: Kelly Huston (https://www.flickr.com/photos/doxiehaus/3552546478

If you insist on keeping your hair can we make a humble suggestion?

I mean, we’re in a really bad 90s nostalgia moment right now, with chokers, and really dumb shoes with those really thick soles that make you look like an idiot.

Frosted Tips are the next logical step; in no time we’ll be having 00s nostalgia and we’ll all look like Guy Fieri. You know what, throw in a polyester button up shirt with a picture of Goku on it while you’re atit, you learly don’t care about your appearance.

So get ahead of the game and frost your tips today, you’ll genuinely be the only one on your block to rock this look, unless I guess you like on Guy Fieri’s block.

5. Responsibilty

Q: Do you know what will make you irresistible to the ladies?

A: The stink of responsibility.

I’m currently having a conversation with my friend James about how his life has been ruined because he’s in a committed relationship with a woman he loves and it’s making women want him too much.

Cry me a river James.

Now I’m not saying get married and cheat on your spouse, because I think that might be kinda bad. Not to mention irresponsible.

You could do the thing where you wear a wedding ring around, or like, carry a photo of an attractive woman and tell people it’s your dead wife, like that episode of Seinfeld. But that is a 1994 solution to a 2017 problem.

Everything is more extreme now, the market is saturated with ding dongs and you really need to stand out if you want those ladies to swipe right on you.

The solution: A chastity belt

Nothing says responsibility like a chastity belt. It’s like a wedding ring x100

You’ll drive the ladies, and maybe even some men, bananas if your downstairs is locked up tight.

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