Paradise Lost - Impressions and Fantasy Booking Bachelor in Paradise Week 1

Bachelor in Paradise is my Super Bowl, everything in the past year has lead up to this moment for me, and I could not be more excited. Let's talk about what happened last night.

 

EARLY MVP

First episode MVP has got to go to Damn Daniel. He was everywhere, started his hourney of love strong by palling around and tapping dicks with Chad, which was adorable. It seems like Daniel is physically the only one more intimidating than Chad, and I think he knows it and isn't afraid of Chad, as we see later on in the episode after Chad gets irresponsibly drunk and Daniel tries to defuse his situation. He swats away Chads hands and doesn't back down. 

Is Daniel a garbage trash boy? Hell yeah, he is, he pretty much called the girls a bunch of 6's as soon as he scoped them out, but he's also secretly hilarious, and not in a 'we're laughing at him way' I might actually be laughing with him. I think he's more self aware than he's presented as.

 

NIGHTMARE COUPLE

 Is Chad a human skid-mark? Yeah,

Is Chad a human skid-mark? Yeah,

Chad and Lace should not be allowed to be anywhere near each other. 

Poor Lace, she probably should avoid alcohol.

I think we all gave Chad the benefit of the doubt after last season, after all, he was often funny and he seemed to have a realness to him that was refreshing for The Bachelorette. Sure he said some ridiculous things and his treatment of Jojo was kinda adversarial, he was certainly awful to the other children in the house. but we gave him a pass because he was entertaining. That's ind of a big problem with reality TV, and maybe TV in general. Bad behavior is rewarded, it gets more screen time and day after press than being decent.

I think Chad is very good at manipulating people, it's like he's read up on what PUA's do and takes it to the next level, poor Lace seems defenseless against his bravado. I think maybe women like a confident man, I think that because I have no confidence and no woman, it seems like solid math. Lace, go home, get sober, and call me!

It's for the best that Chad is gone. He's a bad person and he doesn't deserve our attention.

 

EVAN

Not too much to say about him, I just needed an excuse to post that picture of him. I hadn't noticed all his tattoo's before. Do you think they're all wiener related?

The best thing any woman could say about Evan was future superstar Jubilee: 'He does look better in person'

 

LEAST VALUABLE COUPLE

Vinny and Izzy.

I very much remember Izzy. I was instantly attracted to her for the 30 seconds she was on Ben's season. I went out of my way to find her on Instagram and follow her because I guess my life is empty or I'm a giant goon or something. She is like a better looking version of Katie Holmes, a person I never really considered attractive, but Izzy is making it work. Maybe it's just her silent desperation or kinda weird mouth  that I'm attracted to. I love an interesting nose, I'm not 100% sure yet, but she might have one.

Well, my girl Izzy has attached herself to Vinny, the barber with kinda questionable hair. He had kind of a buzzcut/caesar style going when he was on Jojo's season and he's grown it into a sort of half Robby. It's at a it of an awkward length and just looks sloppy on him. Not as sloppy as Nick's nest, but it's getting there.

 

 

BOLD PREDICTION: DANIEL PUTS STUFF IN AT LEAST ONE TWIN. DOESN'T REMEMBER WHICH

I don't know which on is which, neither do the producers, what are the chances Daniel will be able to tell?

 

CARLY

I'm not really happy to see her, she kinda sucks. But at least she's got her eyebrows to a more responsibly level this summer.

I hope she writes another terrible song. She's like the James Taylor of women. I mean James Taylor the contestant from Jojo's season, not the actual James Taylor.

 

I'll be back next week, hopefully someone does something gross, like pull out their hog or something. Probably Daniel.