In the grand tradition of kinda dumb names such as Kevin Lannister and Drogon the dragon, this week we were presented with Talla Tarly.
You're the real MVP Talla Tarly.
1. Samwell Tarly, future king of Westeros
I've been pumping this guy up for years now and it's finally paying off, I can sense it. His big push for the crown is just around the corner.
Yo, his dad is a real dick though, how he produced such a sweet boy from his loins I'll never know, speaks highly of his mom, who is just the nicest lady. Boy, my dad is a real grump sometimes, or most of the time, but at least he doesn't actively hate me, and as far as I know isn't super racist. Like Randyll Tarly is so racist he hates other white people. That's some 19th century let's crap on the Irish level bullshit. I guess once all those Dothraki make their way over they'll be able to unite against brown people. They should build a giant wall.
Anyways, Sam, our sweet prince is off to college with his baby mama and a baller sword. One of the ballerest swords in the whole country. So he barely knows how to use it, it's all good, The Citadel probably offers fencing or something.
2. Chad from The Bachelorette
He is more of an alpha male than Khal Drogo, more of a villain than Ramsay Bolton, and as buff as... well, not The Mountain, because that would be insane, but bad boy Chad is buff as hell. Is he on Game of Thrones? No. Is he on America's mind? Hell yes. I love his budding friendship with Damn Daniel, they both seem really out of touch and I can't wait to watch them on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.
I guarantee Chad would call me a cuck, which doesn't even make sense, Chad. I'm not married, Chad. I hate you, Chad.
Chad is too real though.
3. The fart noise artist from the play
I didn't know fartist was a job I could have. I've made some real bad life choices.
4. Benjen Stark
His skin is looking pretty bad, to be honest, and he's probably more than a little stinky, who knows when the last time he had a bath was. Also, he was kinda dead, which sounds pretty stinky. We can work on those things though, a little face cream and a little Old Spice and he's back on track.
He's probably a cool immortal snow dude now or something. He has a bitching fire yo-yo, I bet he has some real cool tricks with it, besides killing dead guys. I'm happy Bran has some family around, and Benjen always seemed like a nice guy.
5. Melessa Tarly
But number one in my heart. She's just really nice to people. How did she end up with such a shitty husband? Oh yeah, probably arranged marriages and junk. Tough break.
Lotta respect for her standing up to her butthole husband. More like husBAD, right guys? He's such a turd. I bet he's the one who named their second son 'Dickon'.
Losers of the week
Daenerys' horse. Where did it go? Drogon ate it didn't he? Damn.
Jamie Lannister. He lost his job, I don't know how many kings are hiring these days, but I think most of those positions are taken.
"What would you say was your greatest weakness?" "My sister, I guess"
Dickon Tarly. Sure he's the heir to Horn Hill, but he still has to live with his asshole dad. Plus he doesn't even have a cool sword. Oh yeah and his name is Dickon.
Chad would eat you.
Stay hungry, Chad.
The Premier League is having a style crisis. Adidas, Nike, and the rest are phoning it in.