Sorry I missed last week, I was too busy making out with girls.
Meera Reed
She killed one of the Night King's backup band with a spear. I've never thrown a spear, it's probably not as easy as it looks, it looks kinda easy. Thank goodness she got really into crossfit, she did a hell of a job pulling Bran while sprinting through knee-high snow in their escape at the end there. Hodor must be relieved he doesn't have to carry that kid around anymore because at this point he's about 6'8" and 250lbs, he should be playing power forward in the NBA.
Great job!
Tormund's Libido
You know he's going to get all up in Brienne of Tarth's guts.
The Guy Who Plays Tyrion Lannister in That Play
He's doing remarkably well with what he was given. It's tough being real short in Essos, especially with all the cock merchants around always looking for dwarf penis. Not only has he managed to keep his ding dong (allegedly), but he got the coveted role of Tyrion in the stage adaptation of Game of Thrones. He's basically Peter Dinklage's understudy at this point. I assume he's just waiting for Dinklage to trip and bust his ankle or something.
I guess I sorta just have a lot of love for the weird entertainers around Westeros and Essos, like Westerosi Jerry Seinfeld from a few weeks back, and the wedding band from the red wedding. I wonder how those guys are doing. I hope they got paid.
Jorah Mormont
Our dude the Andal takes one step out of the friend zone. It's just a shame he has stone herpes, so he can't even make out with the Khaleesi. Remember to get tested, you guys.
He's off to find a cure for his bad rash. Hey, Shireen got her shit under control, so there's obviously a remedy out there, or at least a way to stop it from spreading. I don't think there has ever been a man more determined to get ointment than Jorah, he really wants those royal make outs.
Making out is pretty cool.
Summer
Damn, that's two direwolves killed this season, who's even left? Ghost, and I guess Arya's is still alive, running around the crownlands, eating fat kids? I dunno what direwolves do.
Losers of the week
All Bran's Tree Friends.
Dead
Dead, also a tree
Hodor
Arya, she keeps getting her ass kicked.
Keep your chin up.
All the Greyjoy's
Yara lost the kingsmoot, Euron lost all his ships. Idiots.
The kid playing Joffrey in the play
He's got genital warts.
lol oops, really late on this one