I Got A Long List Of Ex-Lovers - The definitive ranking of Taylor Swift's famous boyfriends.

 Hey.

Hey.

I dunno if Taylor Swift actually dates a lot of guys, she gets a reputation for that, and I think it's probably unfair. How many people have you dated in the past 8 years? Probably a few, so get off her jock, mom.

I guess hers is a more impressive list than mine, no shots to my ex's. Some shots. Some of you were terrible. You know who you are. 

Anyways, let's rank some dudes! Just like Drake we're starting from the bottom. This list is compiled from some pretty minimal Wikipedia research, so if I missed a couple, well, tough cookies.

 

5. Taylor Lautner (2009)

 Dude has a huge neck.

Dude has a huge neck.

Who Dat?

The hairless wolfman off of Twilight. As far as I can tell, not much else. Oh! He played opposite the other Taylor as her love interest in the extremely existant Valentines Day, which is only a  slightly better movie than New Years Eve, but definitely still worse than dying alone.

Great abs though, I'm 90% sure my girlfriend would leave me for him.

Post Swift (P.S.)

Ummmmm, he dated Lily Collins in 2010 according to a website that may or may not be making things up. I really want to like Lily Collins. Is she related to Phil Collins? I feel like a quick google search would clear that up for me, yet here we are.

This breakup counts as a swift victory for Swift.

 

4. John Mayer (2009/10)

 Grease

Grease

Who Dat?

Grody guitar man who makes songs that your mom likes. He makes a lot of  dumb faces when he plays guitar. My old college buddy Travis always liked John Mayer because he's apparently a pretty solid musician and guitar player. I just can't get past when he says dumb shit like "your body's a wonderland", which I said to my girlfriend yesterday and she left me. So thanks John Mayer.

P.S.

Relationship wise Mayer's only notable lady love post swift has been Katy Perry, so that's cool. Mayer seems to have peaked long before Taylor. I don't even know who he's making weird faces at these days. Probably Katy Perry still, I dunno.

Once again, Taylor wins this breakup.

 

3. Joe Jonas (2008)

 Yeah, cool, cool.

Yeah, cool, cool.

Who Dat?

Hey what do you know about the Jonas Brothers? I know very little. I feel like I was just a shade too old to really know anything about them when they were the new hotness. I think Joe is probably my favourite one, because he has the same name as me, and also he's the only one who's name I can remember. I think the others are Stinky and Curly, but those are just stabs in the dark.

Swift and Jonas' relationship lasted from July to October of 2008, if the Wikipedia is to be believed, and I have no reason to ever doubt it. In fact it's the only source I'm using as research for this.

 

P.S.

Sure the band broke up, or just collapsed under the weight of their own curly hair, but Joe Jonas has been able to still date famous women, which is pretty cool, I guess. I dunno.

Camilla Bell, Demi Lovato, Ashley Greene, Gigi Hadid, those are some people I kinda heard of. None are as famous as Swift, so point to Taylor.

 

2. Harry Styles (2012/13)

 Say 'prunes'

Say 'prunes'

Who Dat?

He's the one in One Direction that I can name, ever since Zayne left. He also looks more and more like Gollum and Mick Jagger had a baby each day that passes. Which I guess is working out pretty well for him since he's adored by young women everywhere. So that's cool.

P.S

He's dated a bunch of women who I've never heard of, but probably have millions of Instagram followers. Oh! Cara Delevingne, that's someone I've definitely heard of, I don't really like her, but whatever. Girl needs to rein in those brows. I know that's probably like her signature thing, but they're out of control. Actually, you know what? No, you do you Cara. You don't need to please me, you're doing just fine without my approval.

His career seems to be going pretty good though, right? I guess we call it a draw.

 

1. Jake Gyllenhaal (2010)

 Yo, if you ever want a new best friend, call me.

Yo, if you ever want a new best friend, call me.

Who Dat?

If I have to tell you, we probably aren't friends. Currently one of the best and most watchable American actors working today. Star of: Zodiac, Source Code, Nightcrawler, Brokeback Mountain, Prisoners, Enemy, and of course Bubble Boy

I love Jake Nasty (as the true Gyllenheads call him) so there's no way I was going to rank him anything lower than number one, especially among these scrubs.

P.S

In terms of dating, there are mainly only rumoured relationships with such luminaries as Minka Kelly, Rachel MacAddams, and Lea Seydoux. 

Since dropping Swift his career seems to have gone pretty well, Source Code, Enemy, Nightcrawler, Prisoners, End of Watch, Southpaw and even a bit part in Everest. Jake is doing just fine without Taylor, and is probably the only guy on this list that surpasses Taylor Swift.

 

Calvin Harris (present) (Not Ranked)

 This could be anyone.

This could be anyone.

Just want to acknowledge that he exists. Still with Taylor Swift so he doesn't get a ranking. I don't really think highly of him though, probably because of his name. I found out that 'Calvin Harris' is a stage name, and that he picked it because he thought it sounded ethnically ambiguous. Well, I got some real bad news for you, that's just about the whitest name I've ever heard.  Honourable mentions in the category of whitest names: Whitey St Patrick, Sheamus O'Flannigan, Adolf Hitler.