I fell into a weird YouTube hole this weekend where I watched like 5 episodes of the hit 2003 reality TV programme Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. What a day it was.
The first season is pretty weird. I don’t know if it gets any higher production later on, but the first few episodes definitely look like they were made on a budget of a case of Stella Artois and this JVC camcorder from 1994. What I’m saying is, it looks pretty low budget.
Most of the laughs I got from It at this point are more at their absurd fashion advice and outfits than at the barbs they hurl at the straight guy. Don’t get me wrong though, these boys are sassy. Carson, sweet Carson, is probably the most guilty of looking like an artifact from some kind of alternate history where Otto Von Dutch was the Kaiser. His sartorial decisions are at best ‘buckwild’ and at their worst ‘Ashton Kutcher’. Nobody should dress like Ashton Kutcher, even in 2003.
Sorry, I got a bit sidetracked there, I forgot that I’m here to discuss something far more important than Carson’s bad shirts, I’m here to rank some humans!
I will basically rank anything, and indeed I do in my daily life, I bought my current snack of Corn Nuts and a Mountain Dew Kickstart after consulting with an elaborate Excel spreadsheet that I created in 1993 and regularly update with the latest in snack innovations.
Anyways, let’s get ranking, just like Drake, we’re starting from the bottom.
5. Thom Filicia
Sorry Thom, but you’re on TV and barely more attractive than me, which is a problem cause I’m like a 6, which is a TV 2, which makes him like a TV 7, which sounds good at first but is actually very very bad because for TV they score on a 69 point scale. That’s probably the main reason he’s on the bottom, he’s certainly more usefull than Jai, who I’m still not really clear on what he does, more on him later.
No judgement, but he also seems like he would be the sweatiest of all the guys, don’t ask me why, it might just be because all the other guys seem like they wear a lot of tank tops, and I can’t imagine Thom FIlicia without sleeves. Whatever, Thom, if you’re reading this, I bet you’re a pretty cool guy and would gladly have you redecorate my house, which would be a nightmare for you because I’m more or less a giant mollusk.
4. Jai Rodriguez
Hey, sorry guy, but look on the bright side, you didn’t finish dead last, and even if you did fifth is still pretty good.
His post Queer Eye career seems to be one of the better ones, he’s gotten pretty steady acting work, which is nice for him. He’s ranked so low because, at least in the early episodes he seems pretty surplus to the show, he’s even replaced for a couple early on with a guy who I can’t even remember his name. George? I don’t know.
It doesn’t help that his name is Jai, which I just automatically correlate to Jai Courtney, which is the poor man’s Sam Worthington, who is already the poor man’s Tom Hardy.
Does this list exist only so I could make that goof about Jai Courtney? I’ll never tell.
3. Kyan Douglas
He gets a lot of play on the show, grooming seems to be a big part of the show and your boy Kyan is there to take care of those big stinky boys. He’s a pretty handsome guy, but he loses points for having two first names as his name, It’s a tough sell.
Or is it? Now that I look at it, his name is really one and a half names, Kyan is really only half a name, sorry. Look, it’s cool, I have a weird name too, I can’t be mad at you for that.
Oh what!? Wikipedia tells me he was born ‘Hugh’. Come on, man.
2. Ted Allen
Now, his name is two names, that’s 0.5 names more than Kyan Douglas, and a full one name more than Jai Rodriguez. I guess Thom Filicia is almost like two names, you don’t really know anyone named Filicia, but I know a Felicia, so it’s pretty close.
Ted Allen is still a mainstay on TV, I see him a lot on Food Network, I think he’s the host of Chopped or something. Chopped is OK.
Ted also takes on some of the de facto hosting duties on Queer Eye, often introducing the show at the beginning. Ted was born to host.
Love that his husband is named Barry Rice, I don’t know why I think that’s so funny. I think it’s just the name Barry that I find funny. I dunno, you got to find joy somewhere in life.
1. Carson Kressley
I think the undisputed breakout star of the show. He had the best lines, and the most absurd clothes. It doesn’t hurt that the visual makeover is such a large part of the show. Clothes make the man and all that.
Most of the style advice on this show definitely doesn’t work anymore. I watched an episode where they took a perfectly ok two button suit and made it into a near Steve Harvey 3 button. Hey Carson, why not just make it a full seven button and get it over with. You’re ruining lives!
I think it’s that power to ruin someone so completely is why you have to give him the top spot, lest he drop some devastating truths about your look and dress you in some atrocious Von Dutch shirts.
lol oops, really late on this one