Bachelorette Bro Bio Breakdown 2K16 Part 1

What are the things you know about me? 

If you said anything other than 'you love love', then you are a damned fool. Guys, I am SO into love, and therefore I am SO into The Bachelor, and it's family of related shows. The cast for the next season of The Bachelorette was announced this week, finally. Which is great news for me because I am heartbroken, miserable, and alone. Judging these sweet, sweet boys is the only thing I really have to look forward to right now. Thanks, Obama.

 

Alex

Age: 25
Occupation: U.S. Marine
Height: 5’7”
Tattoos: Yes. They are all family or work-related.
Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”?: I’d say I’m “the laid back one,” but I’ve never turned down being a solid wingman for a friend.
What are your three best attributes? Self-motivated, loyal, intuitive
All-time favorite movies: Troy, Inglourious Basterds, 300
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? With a master’s degree running my own business, partnered up with my twin.
Do you like to go out dancing? Not really. I typically will only slow dance. I’m not into the whole “booty dancing” thing.
What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rocked? My skater phase was pretty funny-looking.
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? Yes. I love being in love and enjoy having someone look into my eyes and be able to just be themselves.
What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done? Ripped the door off a totaled, burning car and pulled the unconscious driver out to safety.

 

Ok, so he's a marine, which means he could beat the crap out of me, so I'll try not to be too awful to him, in case he ever reads this and tracks me down and plants a claymore in my bed, which I will definitely not notice because my bed SUCKS. 

He's really leaning into the whole military thing, which frankly makes me concerned. His three favourite movies are all war related, like, my man, I know you're macho, you can tone it down a bit, you're a MARINE. Don't you have other interests? Is his entire wardrobe variants of camo? HIS SHIRT IS OLIVE DRAB. Did he do that on purpose, or was that literally the only shirt he owns that isn't covered in another man's blood? Does he only eat MRE's? It's cool to have other interests my dude, especially if they make you look less like a guy who murders people with their own bones. Can I recommend a movie for you, Alex? Try Air Bud, take some of the edge off.

He get's points for saving a guy from a burning car, I haven't even done one of those. In fairness to me though, my head isn't a perfect square. So... yeah.

Probability he's sent a dick pic: 82%

 

Ali

Age: 27
Occupation: Bartender
Height: 5’8”
Tattoos: No.
Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”?: Party-starter with a laid-back attitude.
What are your three best attributes? Sense of humor, sweet, caring
All-time favorite movies: Midnight in Paris, Dumb and Dumber, Her
I love it when my date...: Dresses sexy
Do you have a serious fear of any animal? Bugs, cockroaches, bees
Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Nothing. For love, everything is on the table.
What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rock? Had really long hair… ew.
What does being married mean to you? Partnership in life, with limitless love and passion.
What’s your favorite flower? Seriously? ROSE!

 

OK, so take Alex, and add Adrian Grenier, and I think you'd get Ali. I dunno. I'm not crazy, right? They look kinda similar. Do all men just look the same to me? Profession is 'Bartender', which I respect because he didn't put 'Mixologist'. You can never trust anything that calls itself a mixologist.

Also, we both know the only one of those movies he actually likes is Dumb and Dumber

 

Probability he's sent a dick pic: 100% He's a bartender, dick pics are their bread and butter.

 

Brandon

Age: 28
Occupation: Hipster
Height: 6’4”
Tattoos: No.
Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”?: A combination of all three, maybe more-so on the laid-back side.
What are your three best attributes? Humble, creative, athletic
All-time favorite movies: Good Will Hunting, The Dark Knight, Her
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? Yes, hopeless. I see love everywhere. I want to experience someone from the inside out. I want The Notebook-type of experience.
What is your favorite all-time book and why? David and Goliath, by Malcolm Gladwell, because of how he sees challenges, advantages and disadvantages.
What’s your biggest date fear? Being so attracted to her that I don’t know how to approach her or be myself.
Who is the person you love most in this world and why? My mother. She is the kindest, most open and loving person I know.
What is your ideal mate’s personality? Adventurous, smart, cultural, great sense of humor. Someone who makes people around them better.

 

He looks and sounds like someone that an ex-girlfriend would date immediately after me, just to make me mad. I hate how tall he is. I also hate that he lists 'Hipster' as his occupation, and 'Humble' as one of his attributes. He looks like a guy who wears summer scarves, and also indoor scarves. 

I guess shout out for knowing the title of a book. I can't promise he's ever read it, but he's definitely held in in his hands on public transit, or at the local Phil and Sebastian equivalent where he lives.

Am I being totally unfair to him? Yes, so I'm sorry. But also, I'm right.

 

Probability he's sent a dick pic: 100% and nobody walked away happy.

 

Chad

Age: 28
Occupation: Luxury Real Estate Agent
Height: 6’2”
Tattoos: No
Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? Sometimes I’m the party-starter and sometimes I’m the laid back one.
What are your three best attributes? Confidence, good-hearted, witty
All-time favorite movies: The Notebook (don’t make fun of me), Runner Runner, Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Who do you admire most in the world and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.
What’s your worst date memory? A girl got blackout drunk and passed out during dinner.
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.
Do you enjoy camping? Yes! Did a lot of it in the Marine Corps.
If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.
What is your greatest achievement to date? Being born good looking.

 

Dammit, Chad, I was so ready to embrace you, but you are such a piece of fart trash.

Chad, Chadley, Chadwich, sweet boy. You aren't witty. Trust me, Chad, I know from not witty. No guy is actually that into The Notebook, I'm not saying that because I think men are all supposed to be macho and into boobs movies. What I'm saying is that there are so many better romantic movies out there. The Notebook is just one he's heard of and uses to make women think he's sensitive. Also, Runner Runner? Come on, Chad.

Another former marine, so I guess I better take back everything I just said about what a poo boy I think Chad is. 

 

Probability he's sent a dick pic: 84% Probably doesn't need to. Fit son of a bitch.

 

Chase

Age: 27
Occupation: Medical Sales Rep.
Height: 6’3”
Tattoos: Yes. Lion on my left ribs.
Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? The laid back one that will have fun no matter the situation I am put in.
What are your three best attributes? Honest, ambitious, sense of humor
All-time favorite movies: Gladiator, Ace Ventura, The Chronicles of Narnia
What’s your best date memory: Sky diving!
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? My dad, to get a better understanding of the decisions he made.
What does your ideal mate look like? Athletic build, natural beauty, perfect teeth.
What’s your biggest date fear? The girl falling in love... and you’re not so into it.
Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Sell my truck.
What does being married mean to you? One girl, one commitment – for the rest of forever. Your best friend.

 

Chase is boring, he's getting eliminated early. We need to move on.

One thing though, so far all the guys have been 'easy going' or a variation on that, for whatever that's worth. 

 

Probability he's sent a dick pic: 110% and it's shaped like his truck.

 

Christian

Age: 26
Occupation: Telecom Consultant
Height: 5’11”
Tattoos: No.
Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? When it’s time to party and I’m with friends, I’m partying. There's a time and place for everything.
What are your three best attributes? Work ethic, ability to assimilate and connect with all types of people, ambitious and hungry to learn
All-time favorite movies: The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, The Matrix
I love it when my date...: Is adventurous and open to new things.
I hate it when my date…: Is extremely high-maintenance and snobby. I try to avoid pretentious people.
Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? Two cats. Ex took my Chihuahua. :(
What’s the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Strip shows and lap dances in college.
What are the top 3 things on your bucket list? 1) Build a relationship with Mark Cuban and earn his respect. 2) Take a trip to space to experience the process and snap some epic selfies! 3) Spoil my grandchildren.
Describe your best friend (of the opposite sex) and why he/she deserves that title: My mother is my best friend. She is my ultimate supporter and has been there every step of the way.

I kinda like him. 

Wait, was he the stripper? He was the stripper, right? They've been leaning hard on male strippers on this show for the past little while here. What happened? Are there really that many male strippers out there? It makes sense that they would be attracted to appearing on reality TV. 

I like that his favourite movies are just franchises, he has nothing to hide, and I respect that, even if I don't respect the Matrix trilogy. I also like that he's the first to admit not being laid back. Finally.

Gone in 2 weeks.

 

Probability he's sent a dick pic: 10% if he was a stripper, 5% otherwise.

 

Coley

Age: 27
Occupation: Real Estate Consultant
Height: 6’2”
Tattoos: None, but I’m interested in getting one.
Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? Depends on the situation. More the party-starter, but can also be considered laid back.
What are your three best attributes? Honesty, loyalty, ambition
All-time favorite movies: Gladiator, The Godfather, Dazed and Confused
What’s your favorite holiday and why? 4th of July…because ‘Merica.
What’s your worst date memory? When she told me she was moving in – a week after the first date.
What’s your all-time favorite book and why? The Harry Potter series. It’s something that I grew up with and it got me into reading.
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? Yes, because fire will never stay lit forever, so you’ll need sparks at opportune times.
I love it when my date…: Doesn’t take her phone out of her purse.
What are the top 3 things on your bucket list? 1) Go on an African safari 2) Visit every U.S. State 3) Visit the 7 Wonders of the World

 

His name looks like there was a malfunction at the name factory. His face looks like there was a malfunction at the Shia Lebouf factory.

He is such a wiener. '4th of July...because 'Merica' makes me want to hit him repeatedly on the back with like, a birch branch or something. I don't want to injure the guy, I just need him to understand his sense of humour is garbage. He isn't giving me much to work with here, I'm pretty sure he's gone early. At least I hope so, I don't think I can handle someone named Coley in my life for very long. I dunno, I'm complicated like that.

 

Probability he's sent a dick pic: 93% but it's 100% he calls it his 'hog'

 

Derek

Age: 29
Occupation: Commercial Banker
Height: 6’3”
Tattoos: None.
Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? I’m definitely the wing-man. I’m there and involved, but not in your face.
What are your three best attributes? My baby blues seem to get a lot of front-end attention, thirst for knowledge and learning, compassion for others.
All-time favorite movies: Hook, Field of Dreams, Star Wars
Who do you admire most in the world and why? I think in history, this would fall to Ben Franklin. He was able to view the world with childlike wonder to feed his creative/inventive side and balance that with a work ethic that produced massive shifts for the greater good.
If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why? And what, under any circumstance, could you not tolerate on that island? As long as the island wasn’t covered in cucumbers, I’d be all right. The only thing a man really needs is duct tape.
Do you have a serious fear of any kind of animal? Fluffy kittens.
What does being married mean to you? I’ve seen my parents work through life’s challenges and successes for 33 years, so I’m looking for someone ready to give as much as I will to make life fun and fulfilled.
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done?: Drunkenly skinny-dipping in the ocean at 3am when the sharks are all active.

 

Yeah, he's a nice looking guy, but what a silly shirt. I have some real concerns with it, it can't be a good sign if that's the shirt you choose to introduce yourself to the world. You know what, I think it's just the pocket. Why does it need to be there? What are you going to put in there? Is it just a cigarettes pocket? It's a cigarettes pocket. This looks like a guy who takes cigarettes seriously and probably thinks very low of vape bro's. So I guess we at least have one thing in common.

Real boring favorite movies, I'm sad to say. Hook, I guess is a weird curveball. I've never heard of anyone loving that movie.

IS THIS GUY AFRAID OF CUCUMBERS? Derek, you better be allergic. 

 

Probability he's sent a dick pic: 34% seems like he doesn't need it, but you never know.

 

Daniel

Age: 31
Occupation: Male Model
Height: 6’1”
Tattoos: No — same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.
Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? Back in the day, I was the party-starter. Now I am laid back when it comes to nightlife.
What are your three best attributes? Honesty, experienced, friendly
All-time favorite movies: I don’t have faves, but one top recent movie was The Revenant.
What’s your greatest accomplishment to date? Traveling 37 months overseas.
What’s your biggest date fear? That she doesn’t look like she does in pictures. Or when on a date, she embarrasses me in a restaurant.
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? No, but I can have good manners and do little things which a girl would love.
Do you consider yourself a good cook? Yes. I took four years of cooking classes.
Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public? Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?

 

Oh Daniel. Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. Wowee.

He looks like a dracula version of Hugo Lloris. I don't know if I'm disgusted by, or super into how he keeps referring to himself as a Lamborghini. I respect that he doesn't consider himself a romantic, instead of lying to himself, and more importantly to me. Is 'Experienced' even a positive attribute in a partner? That's not something that I've ever actively looked for. Is he just bragging about all the vagina's he's been in? Is that what he's doing? Is he an RPG character? Were those 37 months abroad spent level grinding so he could beat the final boss?

The final boss of course being skin pigmentation. Way to kick his ass, Dan, you giant dracula.

 

Probability he's sent a dick pic: 100% Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?

 

Evan

Age: 33
Occupation: Erectile Dysfunction Expert
Height: 5’11”
Tattoos: 2
Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? I start out laid back, but then end up getting the party started…
What are your three best attributes? Openness, fun, first impression
All-time favorite movies: Home Alone, Christmas Vacation, Good Will Hunting
If you could be someone else for just one day, who could it be and why? Trump, just to see what the heck is in that guy’s head.
What is your favorite memory from your childhood? Going to Disney World with my Grandma.
Do you like to go out dancing? If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing? Booty – love it!
Which U.S. City is the most romantic to you and why? NYC, because the restaurants all make you want to fall in love.
What are your deal-breakers when it comes to relationships? Girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, girls who have serious food allergies.
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? Yes, I believe I’m in touch with my sexual energy and it’s very powerful and beautiful.

 

Well, we have a winner.

I believe I’m in touch with my sexual energy and it’s very powerful and beautiful.

I believe I’m in touch with my sexual energy and it’s very powerful and beautiful.

I believe I’m in touch with my sexual energy and it’s very powerful and beautiful.

 I believe I’m in touch with my sexual energy and it’s very powerful and beautiful.

I believe I’m in touch with my sexual energy and it’s very powerful and beautiful.

 

Probability he's sent a dick pic: 100% I believe I’m in touch with my sexual energy and it’s very powerful and beautiful.

 

Grant

Age: 27

Occupation: Firefighter

Height: 6’2”

Tattoos: Yes, lots. All over my upper body.

Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? I can be the party starter if the situation calls for it. If not, I’m the laid-back one.

What are your three best attributes? I’m thoughtful, good at making people smile, and I make people feel appreciated.

All-time favorite movies: Home Alone, The Bourne Identity, Ninja Turtles (the original one)

What’s the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Evaded police in Mexico on an ATV.

What is your greatest achievement to date? Saving a life.

What is your most embarrassing moment? Being slapped in the face by an ex at a bar.

Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? Yes, even if I’m just hooking up with a girl, I still do cute stuff for them all the time.

If you could do/have any job in the world, what would it be and why? I’d be a field agent for the FBI.

What’s your worst date memory? Getting lunch with a girl and listening to her talk about Harry Potter for 20 minutes.

 

I'm team Grant, he saves lives! He's thoughtful! He just wants to make you smile, and I think that's real nice. If there is a criticism about Grant, it's that his face looks like someone took a picture of Rick Fox's jaw and the top of like, Rajon Rondo's head from a smaller picture and glued them together. His head is just wrong, I'm sorry. Look, I can say that because I look like a sad pile of face. I'm not into his flagrant disrespect for Mexican law.

 

Probability he's sent a dick pic: 69%

 

Jake

Age: 26
Occupation: Landscape Architect
Height: 6’1”
Tattoos: None
Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”?: A combination of all three. I’m not afraid to get my feet wet, but I also know when to keep quiet.
What are your three best attributes? Humility, intellect, courage
All-time favorite movies: Ninja Turtles III, Skyfall, The Hangover
Where do you see yourself in five years? Married to the Bachelorette with our first child.
Do you have a serious fear of any kind of animal? Of course not. Top of the food chain.
What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rocked? In high school I had spikes in my hair. I thought it was cool at the time, but looking back on it, I’m sure it looked silly.
If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why? How would you use it? I would love to fly, because traffic in LA sucks. I’m sure I would use it to help others as well.
I love it when my date…: Asks me, “What would you like to do next?”
I hate it when my date…: Chews with her mouth open.

 

...nah man.

I do like the specificity in selecting Ninja Turtles 3 as his favourite. I hate that The Hangover is in that list. That should tell you all you need to know about this guy. 

Jake easily has the best shirt of this crop so far, which I guess means something. 

 

Probability he's sent a dick pic: 54%

 

PART TWO