Game of Thrones S06E03 Power Rankings

Gonna be honest, I phoned it in a little this week.

Here's a picture of a mousepad to make up to you.

1. Jon Snow's Personal Trainer

Your boy Jon is CUT, and I ain't talking about all those stab wounds. Look at his back? Who knew he was so diesel. My friend Andrew and I had a conversation about his muscles last week, he thought Snow looked like a wimp next to shirtless Ramsay. I guess dead guys aren't very good at flexing, so you can't blame Jon for looking a little doughy last week .Anyway's whoever is leading the yoga lessons at Castle Black needs to take a bow, and then give me his card because I need to tighten things up, mostly to make my ex feel bad for leaving me.

2. The House Stark basketball team

Last week we saw Bran after a growth spurt, he's like 6'6" now, this week his sweet baby brother Rickon burst back on the scene, and he's like 7 feet tall now. He's not as complete a player as Bran but also, his legs work. Jon is back to play the point, and Arya has her eyes back to play the 2. Their team is really starting to come together.

3. Ser Arthur Dayne, Sword of the Morning, sword of our dreams

The guy uses TWO SWORDS, and you know he's doing it just to stunt on fools. Like, he knows how impractical it is, but he also knows the importance of looking like a total G in a sword fight. It's too bad about him being dead though. I just read he has a sword made out of a space rock. SWOON. He kind of went out like a bitch though, if we're being honest.

4. The Small Council

I'm going to be super honest with you for once in my life. They're here mostly because of Maester Pycelle's fart. I guess points also for standing up to the Lannister kids this weekI guess their uncle Kevin isn't the total wimp, who will roll over for them, I assumed he would be. They probably wouldn't have been so defiant if Olenna Tyrell wasn't there to back them up, so shout out to her for being OG as hell. Also, and this is really important, I don't like that we've all just accepted that there is a guy called Kevin in Westeros.

5. Arya Stark

Hey buddy, really glad you have working eyes again, because seeing little blind girls beaten with sticks isn't really my jam. I know I'm in the minority here. Also, she briefly became Daredevil this week, and I love Daredevil. I guess The Waif is like her Foggy, in that they both wear really unflattering clothes, that's probably all they have in common though, I don't think Foggy could beat up Daredevil. Sorry Foggy.

6. Ramsay Bolton

I thought he'd be having a much tougher year, what with his wife leaving him and his side piece dying. Everything is coming up Ramsay though, he got himself a new Stark hostage, and a new buddy, that guy who came in who's name I didn't catch, but seems like he's going to be an important character this season because of how much time was given to him and his irreverent attitude, which is a big hit with the kids these days.

I just looked it up and his name is Smalljon Umber, which is probably a dick joke, somewhere.

He probably calls his wiener Bigjohn, I know I do. My own wiener, that is.

7. Varys

I really like that he just wants to make people happy. He's a people pleaser, and I like that about him. Instead of using intimidation and threats, he kills you with kindness. He seems like a good hang, and that's more than we can say about most people on the show. Miss you Bronn.

8. Eddison Tollett

Hey, not a terrible day for Edd, he's going to be getting the big piece of chicken from now on. So what if he's left to take care of Castle Black with an imminently arriving army of the undead? He's going to eat like a king for a couple of weeks, and he gets a new cloak. Speaking of, are we just to assume that Jon Snow is impervious to cold now? Is he immortal? Is he the highlander? Highlander was fun, but I really do think the band Queen is way overrated. I dunno, just a thought.

9. Tormund Giantsbane

Solid wiener joke early on from Tormund. It's really nice to see him doing anything but selling me on hotels.

10. The High Sparrow

Tommen, my sweet boy, you're so simple and easily manipulated. If you're the king, how are you gonna get played by a guy who doesn't wear shoes? Grow a set, dawg. You're embarrassing me, your wife is in prison, your mom had the most public walk of shame, and when's the last time you fed Ser Pounce? If I find out he's dead because of neglect there's going to be bloodshed.