OK, so a few weeks ago I had the idea to eat a bunch of cookies. Mostly because I was watching a lot of The Great British Bake Off, but also because I felt a duty to the public. 'Give the people what they want' has always been my motto. Actually, I think that's Jalen Rose's motto, but I'm not that dissimilar to him. OK, that's a lie. I have like nothing in common with him. I guess we both like basketball?
That has nothing to do with anything. We're here to talk about cookies.
We did some loose crowdsourcing on The Facebooks to determine what cookies should make the final cut. We talked it over for a while. Things got heated. Some things were said that can never be taken back, but we whittled it down to four: Oreo, Chips Ahoy (rainbow chips variety), Tim Tam (caramel), and Pepperidge Farms Monaco.
The next step for us was establishing the criteria we would use to judge the cookies. We established that the cookies should be tested both dry and with the addition of milk (cow, 2%). The four criteria we used to judge were: mouth feel, structural integrity, taste, and wow factor. The cookies were assigned a score out of 10 for every category but wow factor, which was a simple 'yes' or 'no'.
Let's get ready to cookies.
OREO
A classic cookie from the folks at Christie. Two chocolate wafers with a layer of vanilla creme sandwiched between. Lucas wasn't optimistic about this cookie, because he's always been a contrarian, and too hip for a mainstream cookie like the Oreo. I bet he also drinks RC Cola.
We found Oreos to have some of the best structural integrity. Very few crumbs were left behind on the table, or in the milk, which was a big plus for both of us. We also liked the easy-to-open packaging. Lucas was surprised by how much he enjoyed the taste. We both found the Oreo to be slightly gritty on the teeth when eaten dry, which negatively impacted the mouth feel score.
Mouth Feel: 7.5 (dry), 9 (wet)
Structural Integrity: 10 (dry), 9 (wet)
Taste: 8 (dry), 9 (wet)
Wow Factor: No (dry), No (wet)
TIM TAM
Lucas suggested this one. Packaging was nothing to write home about — maybe a little distressing, but what do you expect from a bunch of Australians? The chocolate coating was a little greasy on my fingers, which for me is a negative. I can see these being a real bummer in hotter weather. The chocolate served to keep the cookie together really well.
This one had a real wow factor when performing what the kids are calling 'the Tim Tam Slam', wherein one bites both ends and uses the rest of the cookie as a straw. I was skeptical, but found it to be somewhat rewarding. The milk really penetrated the cookie well, giving it a nice mouth feel but also causing the cookie to basically collapse in on itself. The overall taste was a little sweet for me — it's more of a desert cookie than what I'm usually looking for.
Mouth Feel: 7 (dry), 9 (wet)
Structural Integrity: 7.5 (dry), 4.5 (wet)
Taste: 7.5 (dry), 9 (wet)
Wow Factor: No (dry), Yes (wet)
CHIPS AHOY (rainbow variety)
What a disaster.
This one was suggested by power user James MacTavish. The candy coating on the chips made them too hard and the colour would run in the milk. Not very appealing. This was not a great cookie. Frankly the less we say about this the better.
I'm sorry, James. This cookie was mostly fart garbage.
Mouth Feel: 3 (dry), 5 (wet)
Structural Integrity: 4 (dry), 2 (wet)
Taste: 3.5 (dry), 5 (wet)
Wow Factor: No (dry), No (wet)
MONACO (Pepperidge Farms)
This one was a showstopper. This is what we came to see. When you call yourself 'Monaco', there are certain expectations to live up to, and for me, this cookie exceeded them.
Lucas was very skeptical of this cookie. He thought they were a little pretentious, but he appreciated the non-plastic packaging they came in. The cookies were uniform without looking too machine made. The chocolate on the inside had a nice bitterness to contrast all the sweet. It was a pleasure to eat. I can see this cookie entering my regular rotation.
Mouth Feel: 10 (dry), 8 (wet)
Structural Integrity: 10 (dry), 10 (wet)
Taste: 9 (dry), 10 (wet)
Wow Factor: Yes (dry), Yes (wet)