The Unbearable Whiteness of Being - Who are the flyest white guys?

I remember in sixth grade, The Offspring dropped 'Americana; and that album was like the biggest thing at my school, well, third biggest thing after wrestling and South Park. The only track I can name from that album is Pretty Fly (for a white guy), because I didn't have the album, I still don't, and I still haven't seen more than one episode of South Park. 1998 me would hate 2015 me. 

I think the music video had a lot to do with the popularity of this song, I just found out today that it was directed by 'legendary' director McG, the mastermind behind Charlies Angels, Charlies Angels: Full Throttle, and Terminator Salvation, a.k.a. probably the best movies ever, I don't know because I only saw Terminator Salvation, but I think they probably form some sort of trilogy. Oh wait, I just found out he directed This Means War, one of the worst wastes of Tom Hardy and Til Schweiger I have ever seen, that disqualifies him from being a genius.

Anyways, that's not really important. What is important is that someone thought I was white last week, which I guess isn't that big a deal, I like white people, I have a lot of white friends, lord knows I love white women. I think if I was white, I could be in the running for being the flyest white guy, the competition isn't exactly fierce, I asked my Facebook friends who they thought was the flyest white guy, and the responses were really discouraging, or they would be, if I was a white guy looking for a flyness role model.

 

I made a super official, objective scale for white guy flyness.

 Durst to First

Durst to First

7. Fred Durst

a.k.a. the guy from Limp Bizkit

Pros: He was basically the most popular musician for a while there, he even claims to have gotten it in with Britney Spears, back when that was a thing people cared about.

Cons: He was really successful at making some of the most garbage music ever. If you've ever wanted to know what it feels like to have someone fart into your ears, throw on Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water, or like, just get someone to fart into your ears, but thats weird. 

Verdict: Did it all for the nookie.

6. Kid Rock

Pros: I think his music is listed under the genre 'White' if you go to HMV, along with Barry Manilow and Bob Seger.

Cons: He makes the whitest music possible, and it suuuuuuuucks.

Verdict: He wants to be a cowboy.

5. Eminem

Pros: Yeah, he's pretty good at rapping, I'm told.

Cons: He's a misogynist man baby, he needs to read a book or something.

Verdict: I'm sorry mamma.

 

4. Sheamus

Pros: The actual whitest guy, that counts for something, and his confidence and acceptance of how white he is gives him a certain flyness.

Cons: Once had to kiss a dude's butt on TV for his job. Is an Irish themed wrestler, that seems like a hate crime. Not even the most famous Irish themed wrestler, that is of course Hornswoggle, star of Leprechaun Origins.

 I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Verdict: Oh Danny boy

 

3. Jeff Foxworthy

Pros: All his jokes are basically about being white trash. He doesn't pretend to be anything he isn't which is really admirable, I'm basically a pile of lies and illusions.

Cons: They're not terribly good jokes.

Verdict: Men and women are different

 

2. Grave Digger

Pros: 540-555 cubic inch Merlin engine,  1450hp-1700hp. I don't know what that means, I took it from Wikipedia. Sounds good though.

Cons: A truck. Not technically a white guy, or a guy even.

Verdict: SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

 

1. John Stamos

Pros: Total smoke show, was married to Aryan Superwoman/Actress Rebecca Romijn before she left him and married the fat kid from Stand By Me. Hangs out with the Beach Boys, which I don't know if that's cool or what, but he does it.

Cons: Had the same hair as Tiffani Amber Thiessen.

Verdict: Pretty fly for a white guy.

 

Conclusion

I think we learned a lot about ourselves today, we learned about acceptance, love, and most importantly we learned that Stamos still has it. Love yourself, dear reader! Go hug somebody you love tonight.