Studs and duds - The best and mostly worst guys from this past season of The Bachelorette

 Class of 2015

Class of 2015

What a season it's been. 

This isn't really a recap, if you want to know what happened last night on the finale, I recommend you go and watch it, Shawn B, a.k.a. Big nosed Ryan Gosling, a.k.a. Ryan Schnozling, a.k.a. The Schnoz, gives like a jar of pasta sauce to Kaitlyn's dad and I don't even know what that means. Later he gives Kaitlyn a jar of rocks and stuff. What is with this guy and jars? 

You might regret it, but I didn't. This season was awesome, and honestly, a real freak show, so let's spend the next little while breaking down the best and the worst freaks from the season. 

(Spoiler alert: No JJ, Clint, Ian, or Nick, because they're too obvious)

Studs

 

1. Jared

I think I only like him because he reminds me of my friend Steven (shout out to Steven), I think it's just his eyebrows and impish smile. Like, he isn't great on paper, he was one of the smallest guys this season, in terms of height and muscles but despite his relative shrimpyness he came out strong early on in a boxing tournament themed group date. He punched his way to the finals against Ben 'Probably his dad is a Moose' Z. He lost, because Ben Z is a giant human, and all he got was a lousy concussion.

He's also a 'restaurant manager' in Rhode Island, which in my mind means he's managing a Red Lobsters, which I think has potential for a spin-off series. Kind of a Vanderpump Rules meets Deadliest Catch thing, maybe called 'A Real Catch!' or something, I don't know, I'm just spitballing here. He just seems like a real nice guy, probably the only guy this season that I could be friends with, which is already thinking about this show way too much.

 

Half man, half minotaur

2. Ben Z

This guy is just a pile of beef. Basically he is on the studs list because I'm scared he will find this and murder me if I put him on the duds list. Well, that's not entirely true, he seemed pretty ok, we're grading on a curve here, compared to the some of the guys coming up he is basically John Stamos, which I assume is some sort of universal standard.

 

3. Chris Harrison

Yeah, it's slim pickin's. Also, he looks kinda creepy in this promotional photo. He deserves better.

 

Duds

 

-1. Shawn E

All hail the king. The shame of Canada, Shawn E, a 31 year old 'amateur sex coach' which probably means he's either a pornographer or just unemployed and really into pornos. Just everything about this guy is pretty objectionable, look at that pendant! The hair! The creepy doll smile (no shots, I look pretty stupid when I smile.) and those dead eyes. He looks like a guy who keeps mannequins in his studio apartment.

This isn't even taking into account his real gross first and only night at the bachelor mansion where he got super slammered started fights and touched Kaitlyn's butt. OH MAN, I totally forgot he came in a car that was also a hot tub. Ugh, this guy belongs in Reno. 

 

-2. Tony

Tony is a healer. Tony was not meant for the world of The Bachelorette. He's a kind, gentle soul, a lover to be sure, but Tony is not a fighter, and that was his fatal flaw. I feel like Tony and Shawn E should have their own show, I'm thinking Dr Phil meets Sex Sent Me To The ER because if you take any sex advice from Shawn E you will 100% end up in a hospital, or at least with Tony, who will heal you, I assume by blowing on your face and giving you three penis wine. Look, I don't know how healing works (and I'm guessing, neither does Tony).

 

-3. Brady

I don't know brady, and I would never say I  hate someone, because that is a very serious thing. 

I come pretty close with Brady, he's a singer-songwriter living in Nashville, he lists his favorite artsts as: Coldplay, The Lone Below, and David Ramirez. I have never heard of those last two, because I'm real unhip, I'm really mad at Brady right now for making me look them up on youtube.  He bailed out on the first night to chase Britt, and I'm glad he did because I don't want to see any more of him. Just look at him. Oh you can't because you probably punched a hole through your computer monitor as soon as he came up.

 

-4. Kupah

I was on board with him initially because he lists DMX as one of his favorite artists on his bio, but Kupah turned out to be a grade-A heel. I swear if I find out his name is just Cooper but he says its Kupah just because he's from Boston, I'm going to be so mad. My face is burning up just thinking about it.

 

-5. Josh

I had actually completely forgotten about Josh, he was eliminated week one, and I think it's kinda obvious why. He has the white guy version of LeBron's hairline and like no eyes. I think he might be a mole man. He's billed as a law student and a stripper.

Josh is  a stripper.

Yeah. I'm actually mad this guy didn't stick around longer, he is at least as charismatic as Fivehead Joe, or Chris 'Cupcake', and he's a stripper. It's the mole man eyes I guess. He has no soul. He could probably also have his own reality show, call it 'Justice is Nude' or something equally dumb, I don't know, naked reality shows were hot last year, this guy really missed an opportunity