RIGGINS!
Look, I have a lot of issues with this show, it thinks it’s a lot more important than it really is, and that bugs me so much. It also thinks it’s weirder than it really is. But, Game of Thrones is over for the year, and my life is really empty, so what else can I do but get to the bottom of the real mystery of the show.
Who is the truest detective?
4. Vince Vaughn (-5 Points) - Double V’s plays a cliche dirty buisinessman who has bought off a police officer (more on that later). Not actually a detective, or any sort of law enforcement, which I feel is really going to hurt him longterm in these rankings (-10 points), but he's so far the least depressing part of the show (+5 points). Somebody please hire a joke writer for this show, it’s about as humourless as me.
3.Taylor 'Tim Riggins' Kitsch (20 points) - Not a detective (-10) but is in law enforcment (+5), possibly suicidal, classic detective stuff (+5), talks to himself (+10). Found a dead body (+10).. Also, he looks GREAT in that leather jacket he was wearing, I can’t in good conscience give him points for that, but shout out to Riggins for keeping it tight. I’m really going to have to start working out. Texas forever.
2. Rachel MacAddams (35 points) - She has a kooky family that includes a maybe cult leader, and a younger sister that’s a webcam girl and will probably die at some point in the season because Nic Pizzolatto is terrible at women (+20), raided a brothel (+25) it wasn't actually a brothel (-15), lady in the streets, freak in the sheets (+5), is that worth any points? Well, probably not under regular circumstances, I’m just curious if her manfriend was implying buttstuff. It was buttstuff right?
1. Colin 'Ray Velcro' Farrell (60 points) - Name isn't actually Ray Velcro, its Velcoro which is a much duller name,(-5) if Pizzolatto was a more interesting writer he would have named him Ray Velcro, trust me, I know all about being uninteresting. He has a pretty killer mustache, which as you know is a staple of the genre (+30). Ray did some day drinking (+20), and some night drinking (+10) because that’s what hard boiled men do. He was the previously mentioned cop doing favours for shady buisinessmen (-10), but that’s basically expected so (+10). He’s divorced, obviously (+15), and his wife has a shinier new boyfriend/husband who probably calls his son “Sport” which drives Ray Velcro nuts. He also beats up a couple of civilian dudes this week, which is not very detective-like (-10).
Congratulations Ray Velcro, you are the truest detective for week one!
Ray of sunshine