Canadian Bachelorette Bro Bio Breakdown (part 1)

Judging dudes is one of my favorite hobbies, especially garbage TV dudes. I guess it gives me some kind of sense of superiority, and considering what a trainwreck of a year I've had so far, I'll take any win I can get. Luckily for me, and I guess you, there's a new crop of 2 dimensional men to talk shit about while the world around us crumbles into oblivion.

I'll try not being too hard on these guys. 

Kevin P.

He's a 'deckhand' from Vancouver, and he's 35.

Hoo boy.

Deckhand seems like code for 'don't have my shit figured out', ugh he also sold everything except his ukulele, which tells me he's a ukulele owner, I would never let a woman I care about be in the same room as this guy.

Among his favourite movies he lists Meet Joe Black, which is a top 5 all-time boring ass movie.

On the positive side, he lists making a good elephant noise as a special talent, and I'M SUPER INTO IT. I do a pretty spectacular horse noise, my ex did a decent dolphin. I think this says something troubling about me. Hisf

Biggest dating fear is... farting, and his greatest achievement is his blog. Well I'm officially back out on this clown. No amount of animal noises can change that.

 

Wale

This guy is suspiciously pleasant. Maybe even normal.

 Haha, just kidding, his friends call him 'T-Jizzy', which is just about the worst thing I've ever heard. At that point you might as well be named Semen Jones. He's only 5'7", which  means  I'm taller than him, and therefore, I'm a better person. 

 His favorite book is'Catcher In The Rye, which is like only 3% better than naming The Fountainhead as your favorite book. Woof.

 Hey, remember that time I thought that I was better than him? Well, turns out your boy has a masters degree. Guess you won this round.

 

Seth

 I bet his arm is there because you could see his nipples through his shirt.

I bet his arm is there because you could see his nipples through his shirt.

His picture should be enough to tell you why you shouldn't ever date him. If you aren't rendered sterile by his frankly pretty fucked up pose, his absurd shirt should do it.

Self proclaimed 'movie buff' means he's insufferable. It's probably impossible to enjoy a movie with this guy, trust me, I should know, I'm a garbage human. His favorite books are 1984 and ANTHONY KEIDIS FROM THE RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS' BIOGRAPHY.

You're embarrassing yourself, Seth. I would rather you just say you don't read than this.

Plus he's from Edmonton.

 

Benoit

HIS FAVORITE MOVIE IS THE 2010 RIDLEY SCOTT ROBIN HOOD MOVIE.

HIS FAVORITE MOVIE IS THE 2010 RIDLEY SCOTT ROBIN HOOD MOVIE.

HIS FAVORITE MOVIE IS THE 2010 RIDLEY SCOTT ROBIN HOOD MOVIE.

That's just about the biggest red flag a guy named Benoit could have.  Frankly the other two movies on his list aren't very inspiring either. I've never met someone that loved Van Wilder and didn't call me a 'beta cuck', damn Benoit, I wanted to like you, but everything about you so far is really really bad. His most 'embarrassing' moment is dumping boiling hot water on a senior citizen, that's not an embarrassing moment, that's just straight up assault.

He's probably not the stinkman his bio suggest's he is, right?

 

Kevin W.

 Wowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow.

Wowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow.

Oh boy.

I have never hated having eyes so much before. Why is he grimacing so hard? Like, I'm very very bad at smiling, especially in photos (actually I'm just bad at photos) but my boy, you have to try a little harder than this. Is the W network so cash strapped that they could only afford to take one picture? If you're the photographer, shouldn't you have the professional pride to say 'um, let me take another one real quick here'

Damn dude.

Oops, he's a firefighter and former Navy dude, so he could probably kick my ass so many times, which makes him all the more unnerving.

I don't know what more to say about him. Actually, I fear saying anything more because I really cant afford to get my ass beat, my face is the moneymaker and I can't have this guy pounding it into ground beef.

Thank you for your service.

 

Tony

I love Calgary, but I just want for once in my life to not have my city be represented by a cowboy. Can we just round up all the cowboys and ship them off to like, Saskatoon or something? Let them be Saskatchewan's problem. 

He actually seems like a pretty OK guy, I just wish he wasn't a cowboy.

Spoke too soon, he '[says] it like it is' which is definitely code for 'I say some pretty heinous shit sometimes'

 

Scott

My only point of reference for Winnipeg was a guy I went to highschool with who had to get talked to by a teacher because he kept goosing girls' butts.

2005 was a weird time.

He looks like the third most popular member of a boyband, like he's not the one that went solo and had a great career, and not the one that went solo and bombed, he's more like the one that just kinda disappeared, but then you see him doing voice work on TV like 10 years after the band split, and will definitely show up for the reunion, no questions asked.

 Almost in on Scott when he said he could dunk a basketball, but a hard pass for anyone who's favorite movie is The Wolf of Wall Street

 

Drew

Drew is just reverse Alex from the real Bachelorette isn't he?

alex bach.png

'Dark Night' is his third favorite movie.

I don't think that's what he meant. Unless it is, in which case, run. Never date a guy who's favorite movie is based on a recent tragedy.

 

 

Dana

I hate dumping on guys that do good work, and help people. Damn Dana.

He seems pretty OK, but that shirt is pretty bad my dude. I hate that men have just gone the laziest possible route for dressing. There are occasions for wearing a henley, but the Bachelor family of products has made them basically mandatory, and I'm sick of it. I can barely even wear mine anymore without feeling like a dirtbag.

You're probably OK, Dana. Just get a real shirt.

 

JP

I have never seen anyone feeling themselves more than your boy JP here. 

Chase your bliss, JP.

 

 

That's it for part one, part two coming as soon as humanly possible.